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Everyone can name many of their “bad” features that he would like to keep under control. Our Columonist Psychotherapist Ilya Latypov believes that others still see us real. And they accept us as we are.
There are two extremes in our idea of how well other people can “read” us. One is the feeling that we are completely transparent, permeable, that we are not able to hide anything. This is especially strongly a feeling of transparency in experiencing shame or its easier variation, embarrassment – this is one of the features of shame.
But there is another extreme associated with the first – the idea that we are able to hide from other people what we are afraid of or that we are ashamed to
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show. The tummy sticks out? Let’s pull it properly and we will always walk like that – no one will notice.
Speech defect? We will carefully monitor our diction – and everything will be in order. The voice trembles when we worry? “Excessively” blushes the face? Not very competently put speech? Vile grimaces? All this can be hidden, because those around us, seeing this, will probably turn away from us.
In addition to physical disabilities, there are also personality characteristics. You can be ashamed of them and carefully mask, believing that we will be able to make them inconspicuous.
Greed or stinginess, obvious bias (especially if objectivity is important for us – then we will hide the addiction very carefully), talkativeness, impulsiveness (this is ashamed if we value restraint) – and so on, each of us can name many of our “bad”features that we are trying to control.
But nothing happens. It’s like drawing up the abdomen: you remember a couple of minutes, and then switches attention, and – oh horror – you see it in a random photo. And this pretty woman saw him – and still flirted with you!
It is hard to believe that other people treat us well, seeing many of our features that we would like to hide. It seems that they stay with us because we manage to control ourselves – but this is not so. Yes, we are not transparent – but also not impenetrable.
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